Kirkendorf's Tribe
by Negolith
Summary: It was supposed to be a simple trade mission, until John realized he really needed to start paying attention in pre-mission briefings more. Headhunters, bonding rituals, sanspantsedness, happy native garb, and minor whump ensue.


_Author's Note: I should really title this "The Tedious, Mind Numbing Job Strikes Again." Really, this is what happens when I'm stuffing packets, thinking about the movie 'Krippendorf's Tribe', sanspantsedness, our favorite Colonel, then dose it liberally with my vivid imagination, medication, and lack of sleep. Oh, and not to forget, channeling the Snark Side of the Force…. Enjoy. Warning, and this is raunchy, so I'm only giving you two words of warning, folks: penis sheath._

Kirkendorf's Tribe

Why does this crap always happen when I'm around? And when Rodney has a damn camera?

I zigged across the open heart of the village as random arrows and spears came from all directions. One arrow passed between me and the plume of feathers tied to my right bicep, and a spear from the opposite direction missed my all too exposed left hip by maybe two millimeters. Up ahead I saw Rodney vault over a waist high mud wall around one of the family huts and zagged that way.

A sharp gunshot rang out and the headsman's elaborate headdress was knocked clean off my head. I ducked down as I ran, and a second later I could feel the sting from the crease the bullet had burned across my scalp.

That didn't sound like one of our weapons. That damn near sounded like a Genii sidearm.

By the time I reached the wall the blood was flowing freely down my face and mixing with the white paint that covered it in spots and swirls. I just put a hand on the top of the wall and vaulted over, and when I landed in a crouch behind it the damn penis sheath about poked my eye out.

Don't ask.

"This is all your fault, McKay!" I gritted out as I popped up, fired a round from my forty-five at one of the rival headhunters running across the grass after one of this tribe's women, dropped back down, and found one of the alien, six-legged goats eyeing me suspiciously. Maybe he was eyeing the sheath. I don't know, but I didn't like the way it ground its teeth together and bleat/chirped at me. If it comes one step closer, I'm popping it between its crazy purple eyes.

"How in the hell is this my fault?" He poked his head over the wall, and dropped back down.

"Gimme a minute, and I'll figure out how." An arrow ricocheted off the top of the wall and barely missed the goat. It let out a startled mouse squeak and ran around the side of the hut. Okay, one threat gone. Now to get rid of the other. I stood and fired at some screaming headhunters running roughly our way.

Simple trade mission my bare ass.

-oOo-

_Roughly three hours earlier…_

We stepped out of the 'gate into paradise.

I slid my sunglasses on and grinned into the sunshine as I heard the rest of the team exit and gasp in surprise and pleasure. Rodney summed it up, however, with a quiet, drawn out _wow_. Yeah, definitely wow. We were pretty high up in a mountain saddle, and before us stretched a long valley that widened until it met the sea. Low mountains flanked us and were completely covered in thick green foliage. Reminded me a lot of Hawaii , especially the pristine black beach I could see in the distance. The sea was such a deep turquoise blue the breakers showed up for miles, and I wasn't ashamed I whimpered faintly. The sky was nearly the same color as the sea, and only a few white clouds drifted in the flawless color.

We all just stood there a moment and enjoyed the view. The temperature was even perfect – maybe mid seventies at the most. Yup, paradise. The 'gate closed and I turned my head to Teyla. "So, where's this village?" _Please say 'by the beach'._

Teyla smiled and pointed back towards the 'gate. "This way."

_Ah, bummer._ I turned around and my mouth dropped open. We were standing on the slope of what was obviously and hopefully a long extinct volcano, it's flat top rising above the 'gate like a staged movie shot. Framed perfectly in the 'gate was the village maybe a click away. A waterfall fell from the rim of the volcano into a pool halfway down, then another waterfall from that. The stream passed not too far from where we stood, and that dropped another hundred feet or so into the valley.

"We are definitely coming back here with a 'jumper," I said as we started up a clear path towards the village.

"Yeah, we all heard you whine when you saw those waves," Rodney said.

"I wasn't that loud," I muttered.

"Please, you sounded like a dog who just spotted a blind, three-legged squirrel."

"Oh, hey, look Rodney – that mosquito must be eight inches long."

"What? Where?" Rodney suddenly started dancing around in circles as he searched frantically for the bug that wasn't there. When he finally realized that, he glared at me. "Asshole."

I just smirked back. "So, Teyla, these are pretty decent folks, huh?" I didn't pay too much attention at the mission briefing – all my focus was on not ripping my left boot off and using the back of my knife to scratch between my toes. The rest of me healed up fine from my encounter with the noxious alien slime mold, except for there for some strange reason. And let me tell ya, it made me wish for athlete's foot. I think I poured half a bottle of calamine between them before we headed out, so they were behaving for the moment. Teyla gave me a knowing little smile and humored me.

"Yes. We have traded with them for several generations. They have medicinal plants that I believe will be of great interest to Doctor's Keller and Brown, and have fresh fruit year round. Though I haven't been here for several years, I know they will welcome me like one of their own."

"As long as nothing is citrus, I don't mind." Rodney pulled out his scanner and started running his usual this'n'that background check. His eyebrows suddenly shot up. "Oh, hey – I'm picking up low level power readings." He ran through a few more screens so fast I have no idea how he even absorbs anything. "Huh, there's low grade naquadah here. Cool."

Cool indeed. "So, you know this, what, chieftain very well? Um, what was his name?" I had to bite on the side of my cheek because even though I knew damn well what it was – that was the _only_ thing I remembered from the briefing – I just couldn't say it out loud and keep a straight face.

"P'u P'u."

Oh, God, I hope I don't have to address him directly. I heard Rodney snicker, and I just about lost it. Teyla gave us both such a disgusted glare I had to bite down on my tongue. Then Ronon snorted, and she just rolled her eyes. Yeah, the big guy did catch on and embrace Earth humor, and South Park , way too easily. I have a feeling that Sateda and Earth were way too similar on some fronts for comfort.

"And his title is Headsman." Teyla smiled. "You are in luck – he has a very good sense of humor. As do all his people."

"That's good," I said. Because with a name like that…. I caught another frown out of the corner of my eye and clamped down on my grin.

The path to the village was wide and well used. There wasn't much of an upward slope, but Rodney sure made out like it was. "Why in the hell would people want to live on top of a mountain? Huh? They _want_ the Wraith to swoop in and pick them up? Do they shave their heads and paint bulls-eyes on them? Because, seriously, exposed here."

"The Ancestors had an outpost in this valley long ago, and the tribes believe it is sacred. Whoever controls this valley rules the island." Teyla glanced sideways at Rodney. "And can escape the Wraith in the tunnels of the Ancestor's homes that still exist."

Rodney perked up. "Really, now?"

"Careful there, Rodney – you about drooled on your scanner." My back was to him, but I couldn't resist.

"I do not drool."

"Yes, you do," Ronon said. "Any time you have something stronger than aspirin. Or two shots of Zelenka's latest batch. We've all seen it."

"That's different. That's an autonomic response to the anesthetizing effects of opiates and that rotgut …."

"And when you fall asleep on your desk," I added. "One of these days I'm going to make a tiny fleet of gum wrapper boats and launch them on Lake Droolbegon ."

"Oh, har har, so funny. Now I know we've all seen you in the infirmary enough to know _you_ leak like an outdoor faucet that's been through one too many northern Alberta winters."

_Ooo, good one_, I thought, but I still sneered at him. As we got closer to the village we came across large open fields along the path with some sort of ground creeping vine growing in them. The fruit or whatever it was reminded me a lot of a flattened knobby purple pumpkin the size of a cantaloupe. We started to see women in the fields gathering up the ripe ones. They stood as we approached and Teyla waved at them. One even recognized Teyla and called back her name as she waved, a huge smile on her face. She and the others we could see wore simple sheath like dresses with braided belts and necklaces made of woven ropes of small, multicolored beads. Certainly a lot more modest than the women of the Nixtahuec. That should help keep Rodney's eyeballs in his head.

"Ah, here comes P'u P'u," Teyla said and picked up her pace.

My pace actually slowed down. Now, when I was a freshman at Stanford, there were some required classes I had to take. One was an introduction to anthropology, and we wound up watching a lot of documentaries and what not. 'Nanook of the North', 'A Man Called Bee', all National Geographic type stuff. Then there was the one about the headhunters of Papua, New Guinea .

I swear what was approaching us stepped right out of that scratchy, shown way too many times for its own good print.

A group of five men were coming down the path, long slender spears in one hand, bows or long handled clubs in the other, and all were muscular and tanned very dark. And just like the headhunters from that movie, they weren't wearing a whole hell of a lot, so the, um, penis sheaths were very, uh, noticeable. So were the little red pouches they had their boys tucked into.

Rodney ran into me, and a second later I heard him choke. "Oh, man, I think we just found Krippendorf's tribe." Then he giggled, and right after that I heard Ronon snort behind me. "And I bet I know who the chief is." Yeah, he wasn't hard to miss. He had a bit of a paunch, but it had that hard rounded look of a wrestler, and his sheath was twice as long as everyone else's and tied against his stomach.

It came up to his chin.

"Wouldn't want to get in a pissing contest with him," I muttered quietly out of the corner of my mouth, and Rodney had bite down on his knuckle to keep from guffawing.

P'u P'u handed his weapons to the man on his right and spread his arms wide. "Headsman Teyla, my friend. It has been too long."

"Yes, it has, old friend." They greeted each other in the traditional Athosian manner.

And I couldn't quite tell from where I stood, but it looked like he had to, ah, swivel his hips to the side a tiny bit to keep his 'status' from poking Teyla in the face. I almost lost it. Oh, this was just too much. I _really_ need to start paying attention in meetings more.

Teyla turned enough that she was presenting one side to each party. "I have brought friends who wish to trade, Headsman."

P'u P'u and his warriors instantly went serious. The headsman straightened up to his full height – he was maybe a couple inches shorter than Rodney – and purposefully stomped up to me. I could feel sweat start to bead in my hairline with the effort to keep a straight face because his big man walk was making the sheath pendulum underneath his chin and it was impossible to keep from watching it. I saw Teyla smirking at me, and I wanted to shout, _Now what did I ever do to you?_ Rodney made a very disturbing noise next to me. Oh, I hope he didn't just swallow his tongue. The stocky man stopped maybe a foot in front of me and sized me up. "I am Ting'ala Balu D'gana P'u P'u Mi'alu Ti, headsman of the Ni'aa Pangu Kei Anana Pita'anu. Who are you?"

Okay, so they like long names, challenges, and have no sense of personal space. I found myself pulling my head back a little because seriously, that sheath was like _vibrating_ between us. Oh jeez…. I cleared my throat or else my first words would have come out a little too high pitched like it does when I'm, well, _freaked_ out, and settled on my command tone. "I am Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, pilot and soldier of the United States Air Force." Wow, I pulled it off, because the man's eyebrows actually twitched and he leaned back a fraction. I could hear the other warriors make appreciative noises.

P'u P'u grunted and nodded to himself. Next he stepped in front of Rodney. Rodney did flinch a little, and there were murmurs from the warriors. "Who are you?"

I have to hand it to Rodney – he can pull himself together when he needs to. Of course it helped that the question was about a topic he loved and could go on and on about. He straightened up, gave his head that cocky little twitch, and was off. "I am the one and only Dr. M. Rodney McKay, Ph. D., Ph. D., genius, physicist, engineer, the greatest mind in two galaxies, a man who has no peers, admired by many because of my sheer brilliance, loathed by many more because of said brilliance …."

I cleared my throat softly.

"And that pretty much sums it up." Then he sat there and bounced as he grinned crookedly at the warriors who seemed impressed.

"You have many honorifics," P'u P'u said. "You must be the leader?"

"No, he isn't, Headsman," Teyla said. "Colonel Sheppard is."

P'u P'u grunted, dismissed Rodney with a nod, and stood in front of Ronon. "Who are you?" he demanded. He seemed completely unperturbed that the Satedan was nearly a foot taller than him.

"Ronon Dex." It came out lower and more growly that his regular voice and he crossed his arms.

Silence fell as the headsman and his warriors waited for more. Ronon just stared back at them. Finally P'u P'u said, "You have no honorifics?" He made it sound like a very bad thing.

"Don't need any."

That started a quiet discussion among the warriors, and I was alarmed to see several of them make what looked like throat slitting motions. So I spoke up. "He is a hunter of Wraith, warrior of Sateda, a man of great skills." I shrugged. "And a man of few words."

"Yup." Ronon added.

Light dawned in P'u P'u's eyes. "Ah, you are simple!"

Ronon stepped forward, uncrossed his arms, and glowered down at the headsman. The warriors all shifted and weapons came up. I stepped forward, my grip tightening on my P90. Rodney stood there and tried not to grin, his eyes bright and no doubt calculating how long it would take Ronon to shove the headsman's head up his ass. Teyla came forward and was the diplomat. "I am afraid you misunderstood the Colonel's words, friend. He meant to say that Ronon does not say much, but when he does, his words often hold great value."

P'u P'u motioned for his warriors to lower their weapons, and he made the same noise that the French archaeologist made at the beginning of Raiders. Then he was sizing Ronon up again. "So, you are a village wise man as well as a warrior?"

I had to answer that one, because yeah, Ronon played the big, strong silent type, but we've all learned he was scary perceptive and a whole hell of a lot smarter than people give him credit for. "He is. And a _very_ valued member of my team."

Ronon flashed me a raised eyebrow.

P'u P'u finally stepped backed and turned to Teyla, but not enough so his back was to us. "You can claim these men as friends of the Athosians?"

"Very much so."

"Then welcome to Anana!" He threw his arms wide and smiled broadly, then just promptly turned around and started back up the path. I can honestly say I don't think I've seen that many bare buns since the time I did KP duty on Atlantis to help out and it was near-hamburger night. Wait, no, I take that back. Not since Shadow's village, and there were a lot of other bare things as well. I swear Rodney about herniated his eyes that first trip.

Rodney squeaked from the effort to contain himself. "I'm going to get us all killed. I just know it. I'm going to burst out laughing during an inopportune moment and pffft, we're toast."

"Ronon, you have my permission to stun him if he gets that bad."

"Cool."

Teyla just shook her head.

We entered the village - there were more round, conical topped huts than I thought, and were enclosed by yards surrounded by waist high mud walls - and as far as I could tell, the men had the days off while the women and children tended the fields. Most sat around doing manly things, like making more arrows and spears, practicing with them, gambling, obviously telling 'no shit there I was' stories…. But there were quite a few just lounging about in hammocks or just sitting and watching the others lazily. The ones sitting were crouched down on their heels, and hoo boy...

It was like a car wreck, you couldn't help but look.

Rodney snorted, and it sounded like he was about to hork up a hairball. I glanced at him and saw his face was dark red and he had one knuckle in his mouth. The skin around where his teeth were sinking in was white. I was afraid he was about to chomp clean through to the bone when he thankfully pulled it out. "You know," he said, voice strangled. "It wouldn't be so bad if they blended in. But no – have to be pure white. And the feathers..." There went a different finger joint into the mouth.

I had no idea what he meant about 'feathers' until I saw one fellow approach us, bow and a half dozen arrows in his hand, and noticed he had a three inch iridescent green fluffy feather sticking out of the end of his. I had to slide my thumb and forefinger under my sunglasses and pinch the bridge of my nose as hard as I could. Oh, this was going to be a very long day.

"Are you getting a headache, John?" Teyla asked. She sounded sincere, but I could just imagine the little smirk on her face.

"Yeah," I replied as I repositioned my glasses. "It's the sun."

"Hmm."

_I will not look at her. I will not look…._ I did, and sure enough, she had that knowing little smile. Then I actually remembered something else from the pre-mission meeting. "Say, you tried to get Woolsey to come on this, didn't you?"

She nodded. "Yes. His reactions would have been priceless. But you two are making up for it."

I studied her for a moment. "Okay, what aren't you telling us, Teyla? Huh?"

"You should pay more attention in meetings." And that was all she said.

Oh crap. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

P'u P'u led us into the heart of the village. There was a cleared, grassy area that must have been half the size of a football field, and in the center was a tree. A very old, squat tree. As we got closer I could see the base had overgrown a piece of Ancient architecture. Looked like the broken top of a tower spire. The branches threw out a good amount of shade and absolutely no one was taking advantage of it.

"This is the Pangu Kei Anana – the Heart of the Ancestors. We will conduct our business under their watchful eyes." He squatted down comfortably, butt on his heels, and his warriors followed suit. Teyla gracefully folded her legs underneath her and sat Indian style. Rodney sat down in a similar fashion, but he sank down to the ground like he was a ninety-year-old arthritic geezer who was in desperate need of having both hips and knees replaced. Ronon leaned against the tree. He got a few narrow looks from the warriors, but P'u P'u didn't seem to mind. I plopped down next to Teyla, my right knee up and arm on that, my other leg stretched out comfortably.

And about an hour later I was leaning back, arms braced, legs stretched completely out and crossed at the ankles, and trying really hard not to fall asleep on the thick grass. This was the part about negotiations I really hate. The catching up on news, inquiries into families and their health, any new kids, blah blah blah blah. Social stuff. Teyla has the patience of a glacier, and her way with compliments had the guy beaming like an idiot.

I glanced at Rodney and saw he was working on something on his pad. I tried to crane my neck to see what he was doing, but he tilted the pad away. "Get you own time waster," he hissed under his breath. I looked up at Ronon and saw him smirking. He was also flipping one of his smaller knives end over end, and had the attention of some of the bored warriors.

I perked up when Teyla informed P'u P'u of her new son, and he declared a celebration had to be held after the business was done. Cool. Celebrations are always good.

Then the true haggling began, and this I could help with. I sat up, crossed my legs, and got down to business. Granted Teyla did most of the negotiating, but I had the lists of what we had to offer and pretty much had a final say on what we would part with. After just over an hour we had an agreement ironed out. They would get medicines, some help with their irrigation and well systems, different seed crops that would do wonderful in this climate, and a few other inconsequential things. We would get fresh fruit, fresh meat that Teyla assured us tasted like chicken but looked kind of like a purple eyed, six legged goat, the medicinal plants, and a poke around the catacombs under the village. That made Rodney's eyes light up and he was more than ready to start exploring.

But first we had to go through a bonding ritual to seal the deal.

After five years I have come to dread the words 'bonding ritual'. On some planets it was simply a sharing of some tea, or sharing tiny little fancy cups of local hootch that could grow hair on your chest or burn it off, or a hand shake that was tied with a fancy cord or rope or in one rather gruesome instance, the small intestine of an alien chicken. I thought Rodney was going to puke at that one, and he wasn't the one getting tied to a village elder who had a strong resemblance to Ernest Borgnine. In dreds. And smelled like pickles.

There were a handful of really elaborate ones involving temples and incense and lots of chanting or singing. Those were kind of nice, if boring. And long. The best ones were just big parties with music and drinking and just having a good time in the name of making new allies. Any ol' reason for a shindig is perfectly all right with me. The purifying ones were awful – be it sitting in a sweat lodge until you hallucinated and passed out, or drinking nasty stuff that had your asshole wishing it was attached to another body after an hour. And the ritual marriages? Yeah, everyone on Atlantis had screen savers of the time I was symbolically hitched to the priestess who looked like the love child between that broad from 'Throw Momma From The Train' and, well, Rasta Ernie with a little Pee Wee Herman thrown in for her figure. Gyah, she must have pinched my ass a dozen times during that ceremony. I had a bruise the size of a grapefruit when we got back home. Strong grip.

But the worst ones involved native dress. Wasn't so bad if there was leather and actual pants involved. Hell, I even wore a dress on a couple of occasions. No big deal. Was a lot like wearing a kilt. So far we hadn't run across a, shall we way, stone age tribe that had that as part of whole trade agreement ritual whatever.

Until now.

I stared at Teyla, my mouth hanging open. It flapped a few times as I tried to speak, and when the words finally came, I think I cracked glass somewhere. "I'm supposed to do _what_?" I heard Rodney's data pad slide off his lap to the ground, and Ronon dropped his knife.

"It is a simple exchange of clothing between headsmen. It is to show that should the need ever arise, due to war or famine or a culling, each headsman can step in and fill the role of the other to lead the village and keep each other's people safe." Teyla cocked her head. "I believe your people have a saying that is similar in sentiment: walking a mile in the other man's shoes. Elizabeth used it often."

"But we're not talking about…." I glanced at P'u P'u, and the man was seriously starting to look offended. "Shoes here. I can do shoes, sandals, slippers, moccasins. Piece of cake. But…."

"John, when I became leader of my people, I had to go through the ritual. It is not, how do you put it, that big of a deal." Then she gave her head a faint cock. "Unless…."

"Don't even finish that train of thought," I hissed through my teeth. "Derail it, immediately."

Rodney snickered. "She has a point. What are you afraid of, Kirkendorf?"

I flashed him a glare that has made Marines tremble in the past. He just grinned.

_Crap_.

I returned my attention to the headsman, and he and his warriors looked like they were ready to drop me in a big pot with a bunch of veggies and dance around it chanting _yumyumyumyum_. I glanced at Teyla. "You did this? But you don't have, um…."

"It was tied in place. The ceremony is short, you meet under the Pangu Kei Anana, exchange weapons, and pledge to protect each other's people as you would your own."

"That's … it?" The way she said it made it sound so simple, but c'mon – so not shoes here. "Nothing else?" She shook her head. I leaned a little closer. "Um, too late to get Woolsey here? After all, he _is_ the _official_ leader." She shook her head again. "Crap." I looked at P'u P'u's scowling face, but not his prominent clothing choice, took a deep breath, and completely and totally regretted the next words out of my mouth.

"All right. I'll do it."

-oOo-

They took me to a hut just off the central lawn where I could get, um, ready. Rodney and Ronon followed, and both made the Cheshire Cat look like a heavily medicated manic depressive. "I don't need any help." I pointed at Rodney. "Especially from you."

"Oh, don't worry, not gonna help." He snapped his fingers. "Heckle, definitely."

"Go look for naquadah," I growled and ducked into the hut. The two warriors with us followed me inside. The hut was pretty spacious and looked like it was set up for simple storage. There were clay pots, wrapped bundles of what looked like wool or cotton, extra hammocks, woven mats, and who knows what else. "Got a nice rustic thing going here." The men looked at me blankly. I sighed. "Okay," I said as I made sure the safety was set on my P90 and put it down on a stack of mats. "There are some things I absolutely will_ not_ part with." When they started to grimace I used the command tone. "They stay with me." That had them nodding.

Okay. I can do this. But as I unzipped my tac vest I had a scary thought. I turned around, and sure enough I could see two figures outside the hut blocking sunlight in front of the thatching. "Ronon!"

The bigger of the shadows moved. "Yeah?"

"Confiscate Rodney's camera."

"I don't have a camera." The denial came way too quickly.

The taller shadow descended upon the shorter one, and a brief scuffling match ensued. "Got it."

"Good, now give it to me." A hand came through the wall and I took the mini DVR away. "Thanks, big guy. I owe you one."

"Don't mention it."

I sat the DVR next to my P90, then took off the vest. One of the fellows snatched it up immediately. "Hey, careful with that. And no snooping in the pockets." The guy just sniffed at it instead, then his buddy took it away and inspected it himself. Next I pulled my forty-five, made sure both safeties were set, put it back, and started unbuckling everything. The moment I had the thing in my hands that first guy tried to take it away. "No. Weapons." He made a quiet _ah_ and backed away. I bent down long enough to unlace and kick off my boots, and when I straightened back up my company was staring at them. "Those I keep."

They looked down at their own bare feet and nodded.

Next came my t-shirt. Damn, it was a new one, too. I just held it out to grabby with a resigned sigh. I had just unbuckled my belt and was about to drop trou when Teyla asked from the other side of the cloth covering the door, "Is it safe to come in?"

I quickly buckled back up. "Sure." Teyla came in with a deep basket that had my new clothes, and another empty one. I glanced down into the filled one. "Wow, that was quick." But then, when you're nearly naked to start with….

"He sent some of his spares used for rituals over for you to use. These two men will help you dress properly." She sat the empty basket down. "This is for your clothing. When you are finished, just set the basket outside and I will run them over to P'u P'u."

"I'm beginning to think you planned this deliberately," I said as I took my vest and shirt back and put them in the basket. I didn't bother folding the shirt, even though every military fiber in my body was screaming for me to do it. "Instead of post-partum depression, you're getting post-partum … deviousness. Aren't you?"

"Jennifer has not mentioned any such syndrome." She smiled, and in the dim light I swore I saw her eyes sparkle. "I shall have to ask her when we get back." Then poof, she was gone.

I think I heard her giggle. It was a totally _girly_ giggle. Oh, man….

"Okay, I can do this," I muttered out loud this time. My pants went into the basket, and for close to a minute I just stood there and debated. My two, well, dressers just stood there and watched calmly. That was getting creepy. "Could you just, just turn around?" They looked at each other and I could just hear their silent _crazy stranger_ thoughts, and only after I gestured for them to about face, they finally did. I quickly pulled off my boxers and stuffed them in one of the pockets of my vest that held spare ammo clips for my forty-five. I'd let someone walk in my shoes for awhile, sure, but if anyone was going to be in _my_ boxers besides me, it was going to be that hot engineer with the cute smile. I picked up the basket and quickly slid it under the dyed cloth covering the door.

"I will tell you when it is time to come out," Teyla said. I watched her shadow slide down the cloth like it was melting down into the threshold and wished I could do the exact same thing.

"Thanks," I drawled back. When I turned around the dressers were back staring at me. I'm glad the light was dim enough to disguise how red my ears and face were. "Let's … let's get this over with."

You know, for a people who didn't wear a whole hell of a lot, it was surprisingly complicated garb to get into. I thought the belts the men wore were pale leather, but it was actually a finely woven strip of cloth that had to have been fifteen, twenty feet long by two inches wide. They wrapped it pretty low, and I know I jumped a few times when I thought they were getting a little, well, too close for comfort. But they had expressions that were all work and no play – thank God – and that helped me keep the freak out down to a bearable level.

Next they wrapped some more of the cording around my arms just above the elbows and high on my biceps. They wanted to wrap some around my ankles, so I had to put my boots back on. Okay, now I really felt ridiculous, and my ears were about to combust. Jeez, of all the things I've had to do for near-chicken over the years, this one was going to take the cake.

They tied a strip of soft pale fur around my shins just below the knee, and the pressure actually felt pretty good on my left one. Then one of the guys came up with a small piece of red cloth that had beaded cords hanging from it. He was grinning at me. Oh, great, _now_ their supposed sense of humor rears its head as I recognized the, ah, marble sack. Before he could say it, I growled, "No, I don't need any help, thank you very much." I grabbed it out of his hands, then had to bite back a little _ooo_ as I felt how soft it was. Kind of felt like velvet. Makes sense. I guess you wouldn't want chafing to be an issue when your boys are out bouncing around….

I cannot _believe_ I just seriously contemplated that.

Putting it on was pretty straight forward, but apparently there was a special way you had to tie the cords on the belt without getting them tangled or, ah, pinching anything. They helped, and when everything was tied in place properly, I turned around briefly to adjust things. When I faced them, one held the dreaded penis sheath out.

I reluctantly took it. This one must have been the formal penis sheath because it was two feet long and had a jaunty blue feather sticking out of the tapered top. It was pretty lightweight – felt like it was made out of plant material of some kind – and the outside was actually ridged faintly. I flipped it over and looked in it. Yeah, that was a mistake. If anything, the inside looked rougher, and no way was I about to stick a finger in there and check it out. And no way in hell was I going to put it on without protection.

Oh, crap. My tac vest was on the other side of the village as far as I knew, and I needed something out of it.

I looked over at the two shadows on the grass wall and grimaced. Then sighed. Ah, hell – I was never going to hear the end of this anyway. Might as well start shoveling the dirt in myself. I went over to the wall. "Psst. Hey guys." The shadows shifted. "I, um, need a really big favor." I was so glad they couldn't see the grimace on my face right now.

"What, you chickening out?" Rodney asked.

"No. Say, they already took my vest away, and, um…." _Oh_ _jeez_.

"Um, what?"

I took in a deep breath and let the words come out in one quick rush. "Ineedacondom."

Rodney choked. "You need a what? Sorry, couldn't hear you."

"He said he needed a condom, McKay. Are you deaf?" And judging from the quaver in Ronon's voice, he was fighting back laughter just like Rodney.

"You carry condoms in your vest? Let me guess, Ramses…."

I cut him off with a growled, "Rodney…. I still have my weapons. I will shoot you." Suddenly a hand shot through the wall, and Ronon had a little packet in his hand. "Thanks. Again."

"Don't mention it. Really – don't. Mention. It." Then I heard Ronon and Rodney dissolve into laughter.

I studied the shadows for a second, and could see well enough through the gaps that my hand shot out and thwacked Rodney upside the back of his head. That made Ronon double over.

I retreated further back into the hut, and with my back to my helpers, I opened the packet with my teeth. Have you ever tried to put a condom on a, well, ah, oh … never mind. It took a little finagling, but I got it situated, and then carefully slid the sheath on.

My first thought was if these guys could wear this scratchy thing on their dicks all day, I really wouldn't want to meet them in a fight. Because, seriously, they had to be some pretty tough bastards, especially if their short ones fit as snug as this one did.

After a few adjustments, the guys helped tie it in place by wrapping one loop of beaded cord around it about belly button level, then attached it to the belt. Hooray, I think I'm done. Not so bad, really, could be worse I suppose. I could have the twig and berries completely hanging out. I glanced down into the deep basket and saw one sizeable item remaining. I reached in and pulled out a headdress. The frame was wooden, the delicate strips obviously shaped when they were green to give it the curves it had. A strip of pale fur wrapped around the base, and two strips hung down like mutant Elvis sideburns. Iridescent feathers in black, blue, and dark green rose at different heights and levels, mostly along the back curve, and at the peaked top was a tuft of long white hair. When I turned the headdress to admire it from a different angle, the hair shifted and I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the shrunken head.

A Wraith shrunken head.

Oh, man, that was wicked. Wonder if I could personally trade for one of those? Ronon would be so jealous. And my previous thought about them being tough bastards? Yeah, that totally clinched it.

There were more loose feathers in the basket and a few clay jars. "What are those for?" I asked as I tried on the headdress. It was almost a perfect fit.

The guys pulled the jars out and took the lids off. Oh, great. Paint. Guess I wasn't through yet. Without a word they started. They ran two thick vertical stripes right down the middle of my torso. Well, if the sheath wasn't noticeable before, it was nicely framed now. I looked down to see what they were doing and that damn feather about went up my nose. I batted it away without thinking.

Okay, John, don't do that again.

My dressers snorted as I grimaced while I carefully readjusted and tried to stay still so they wouldn't have wobbly lines. Off the tops of the lines they made stylized ram's horns that covered my pecs. The paint was pretty thick, so it had no trouble covering my chest hair and keeping it matted down. They traced a thick line off the bottom that was just a couple inches above the belt and ran it around my hips to my back. The vertical stripes and horns were repeated on my back. Then they traced out some of my ribs, and proceeded to run double stripes down the outside of my arms and legs. They traced out most of the muscles on my upper arms and thighs as well, and my forearms and shins they just filled in with dots. And they were kind enough not to get any of the paint on my watch, wrist band, or boots.

While one guy put swirls and stripes and spots on my face, the other pulled out a pot of black paint and a thin reed brush and started tracing out my scars. Now the last few months have been pretty rough on me, and I didn't realize just how rough until now. Two major surgeries left pretty big ones, and the guy was genuinely impressed. I wasn't about to tell him the one was from rebar and the other a tentacle. I flinched and nearly punched him when he found the old Irratus scar on my neck, and when he traced the racing stripes down my, um, other cheeks I let out a surprised yelp. Yeah, those were fun. Rodney _still_ has to bring up a butt pun now and then. He spent a good ten minutes tracing old wounds, and I could remember how I got every single one of them.

Finally they finished by tucking fans of dark feathers in the cords on my upper biceps and by the sides of my knees. They gave me a once over, nodded, then just left without a word.

I carefully held the sheath aside and looked down. Okay. Not bad. Would have preferred something more than body paint, a marble bag, and a steroidal pea shooter. Heh. I adjusted the headdress and paced until I heard Teyla come back. She gave me the all clear to come out, but I just stood there in the center of the hut, frozen.

A moment later she ducked through the cloth. She took a couple steps and stopped. "I must say, you wear P'u P'u's ritual clothing better than he does."

Thank God the mutant Elvis sideburns and the paint hid my blushing. "You really had to go through this, too?" She nodded, and for a second my eyes glazed over at the image that formed in my head. Then I heard her clear her throat. "Please tell me this will be over quickly."

"It will be over quickly."

"Good." I grabbed a quick drink out of my canteen on my suddenly dry mouth, gathered up my weapons, squared my shoulders, and walked purposefully for the door and tried really really hard to ignore the blue feather swinging back and forth in my lower peripheral vision. Teyla held the cloth door aside, and I remembered to step sideways through the opening so I didn't poke anything out. Then I squared my shoulders again and gazed out past my team to see a lot of people gathered around the Ancestor's Tree.

Oh, great. The entire village had time to show up while I was getting dressed, er, painted.

Then I heard the two most dreaded sounds in all the universe right now, sounds I thought I had crushed already. A little double beep. I turned my head to Rodney and saw he had one of those ultra slim little digital cameras.

"Could you stand with your hips a little less, well, hipshot? You're leaning to the left." He quickly snapped another picture.

I lifted my P90 a little. "Rodney. You do realize what I am holding right now?"

"Yes, and it goes nicely with the boots and the wrist band. Now, turn a little to your right."

Ronon was grinning and shrugged when he saw me glowing at him. "I didn't know he had that one. Honest."

"Uh huh." I sighed and turned my back to Rodney. "Let's get this over with," I said to Teyla.

The little double beep came again. "Wow. Racing stripes!"

"I gonna kill him," I growled to Teyla as we walked through the crowd. None of them looked as amused as my teammates. As a matter of fact, they seemed very impressed. As the crowd parted, many of the warriors were nodding in approval. Must be all the black. Women were giggling, and, well, trying to ignore that, actually.

I met P'u P'u in the shade of the old tree. My t-shirt was stretched tight across his belly, and there was no way in hell he could get the vest zipped. The pants barely fit around his hips, and they had to roll the cuffs up quite a bit. He had painted his feet black to imitate my boots, and there were short black feathers stuck in his hair to make it spiky like mine. That made me grin. I couldn't help it.

P'u P'u grinned back. "Ah, I see my sons were not lying." The two men behind him were my dressers, and they grinned behind their father. "You are a great warrior."

I shrugged. "I've had a fight or two in my day."

"Then I feel confident that my people will be in great hands." He crouched down and for a moment I thought the seams of my, er, his pants would blow out. But they held, and he placed his weapons at my feet.

"And I as well." I remembered to gently push the sheath aside as I crouched down, and sat my weapons in front of him. I could hear one double beep after another behind me, and I clamped down hard on my lips. When we stood again we were holding each other's weapons, and by the way he was holding the P90 I was sure he wasn't in danger of accidentally shooting anyone or figuring out the safeties. He held them high, I did the same with the bow and club, and the village erupted into cheers. I glanced down at Teyla. "Okay, that wasn't so bad."

One piercing scream cut through the cheering, and a second later another joined it. All eyes went to the far side of the gathering that I was facing. People started scattering – mainly the women and children, and the warriors in that area were clearly encountering some resistance.

I just had to open my mouth.

More screams came from all around now, and over the top of that the high shrill sound of whistles and war cries. The crowd was dispersing in earnest now, and P'u P'u and I looked at each other. I handed over his weapons the same time he handed mine back, and before I could ask for my vest back he was gone.

A long pale spear hit the tree, and the shaft vibrated a foot from my nose.

"Teyla!" I called and tossed her my P90. I pulled my side-arm and left the belt by the base of the tree. She immediately kicked off the safety, aimed, and took out a rival headhunter charging us. He was easy to tell apart from those of P'u P'u's tribe – all his decorations were in red, and his penis sheath was green. Ronon was already firing away, and he dashed off to help some villagers trapped by a hut. I glanced the opposite direction in time to see P'u P'u swing his club and pulp another man's head.

Then I was moving. Teyla was already taking evasive action and heading for the hut where I could see our packs leaning against the wall. I zigged across the open heart of the village as arrows and spears seemingly came from all directions – and aimed at me because I was in the top dog gear – and when I saw Rodney heading for the low wall around a hut I decided that was a good place to be and followed.

And now you know how I got into this current mess.

Rodney stood and let loose a few more shots with his side arm. The hot casings bounced off of some very exposed skin and I yelped. Rodney dropped back down and looked at me. "Did you get hit?" he asked in a panic as he stared at the blood running down my face and the back of my neck.

"Graze," I said. I heard another gunshot and mud flew from the wall to Rodney's left. "Get down."

"I am down."

"Get down further." All Rodney seemed to do was stick his ass out more, so I just grabbed his arm and pulled him down onto his side.

"Oh, man. Do you know what's on this ground?"

"It'll wash off." I popped up again and saw a guy dressed a lot like me right now, and he was purposefully striding towards us. He had a black feather on the tip of his sheath. That's how I _really_ knew he was the bad guy. And sure enough, he had a Genii pistol. He saw me and fired, and the wall about even with my stomach took the impact. Crap, someone's taught him how to use it, that's for sure. I dropped back down, and this time I did impale the underside of my chin. Let's just say the shockwave of that traveled all the way down, and _that_ was a sensation I really did not what to experience ever again. Once the stars left my vision I growled, "All right, that fucking does it." I grabbed the thing in both hands and had full intentions of just snapping the damn thing off halfway down, but like a stalk of wheat, it just _bent_ over. And stayed like that.

Rodney took one look, blinked, and just started howling with laughter.

I glared at him, thought screw it, popped up, put three quick bullets in the rival headsman, and crouched back down without getting impaled. Hallelujah. Rodney did sober up for maybe all of three seconds. "Yeah, glad you're amused." I thought about bending it back the other way, but if it was like a regular reed – and the thing was tough, whatever it was – it would more than likely just crimp it and flop back and forth.

I tried to straighten it as best as I could, but it still had about a ten per-cent lean outwards at the bent point. _Beep beep_. Crap.

The sounds of battle were dying down, so I took a chance and stood, gun ready. The center of the village was clear, and I could see Ronon and Teyla coming my way. I would have just jumped over the wall again, but settled on the gate this time. Less … jiggling that way. When I was about twenty feet away I could hear Rodney stumble through the gate as well, his breathing making him sound like an asthmatic on his last legs.

Something hit my back, hard, right on my left shoulder blade. I actually stumbled forward several steps and wondered if that damn goat got past Rodney and tackled me. I saw Ronon and Teyla raise their weapons and fire past me and thought that can't be good.

Then the pain started to sink in as every movement made whatever it was bounce and vibrate. Teyla confirmed my suspicion a moment later when she said, "You've been hit by an arrow."

"Thought so," I gritted out. Ronon turned me around, grabbed the shaft, broke it off, and the pain eased some now that the weight of the long shaft wasn't adding to it. Huh. Maybe I should have had him try to break my…. Oh man, no. The image that formed made me cringe, and everyone took it as something else.

"We need to get you back to Atlantis," Teyla said in alarm. She took my forty-five from me since she had my belt draped over her shoulder, and holstered it.

"It's okay for now – not bad." I raised my left arm a little and my eyes got wide. "And not going to be doing that again." I could see P'u P'u coming towards us, and he was grinning behind a mask of blood. His war club was caked.

Rodney was crouching by the dead headsman. He found the gun and quickly stashed it in his belt. When he stood he walked over to the headdress I was wearing and picked it up. He was frowning as he rejoined us. "Dang, it got smashed. But this is still intact. Cool!" He tried to pull the shrunken head off, so I yanked it away from him.

Ronon looked me up and down. "Looks like something else got smashed," he said with a smirk.

I held the headdress in front of me.

P'u P'u finally arrived, and he was still grinning. "Thank you, friends! The Gana'a Tili Baku Tipa Anaru didn't have a chance." He grasped me by the shoulders in a killer grip and gave me a shake. "It was a good fight, no?"

Okay, that really hurt and my vision swam a little. Thankfully Teyla stopped him before he could rattle any teeth loose. "Headsman P'u P'u, friend, we will need to leave your company for now and return home with the good news of this trade and victory. Please accept my apology."

The guy actually looked a little hurt. "But there will be feasting, and tales. And we must thank the Ancestors for the gift of your son."

"And I will be sad to miss them." The smile she gave him completely disarmed the headsman. "But Colonel Sheppard has been wounded, and our healers need to see to him."

P'u P'u's eyes widened like he just now noticed the blood that ran down my face and neck and chest from the scalp wound. He didn't see the arrow yet. I squared my shoulders and sucked in a breath. "Really, it's only a flesh wound." I knew he wouldn't get the British accent I delivered the line in, but my team did. Teyla rolled her eyes, Rodney guffawed, and Ronon grinned.

"Ah, yes." He gave me a knowing grin and clasped my left shoulder again. This time I did groan and crumple a bit. He turned me a little, and nodded. "Yes, yes, return to your people, show them how good the fight was today." He let go.

I stayed a little hunched over. "I, ah, hate to impose, and I don't mean an insult in this, but I do need the vest back."

"It is a part of our weapons," Teyla added.

"Why didn't you say so?" P'u P'u pulled it off and Ronon took it. It was definitely going to need hosing off when we got back home. Then the man was fingering the t-shirt. "This material is very fine. Is it too late to request some in our trade?"

"No, not too late," I replied. I handed his headdress back to him. "Sorry it got destroyed."

He grunted and grinned. "Just the frame. Easy to make. But you … you need a trophy," he suddenly said and stomped over to the dead headsman and took his headdress. He brought it over and handed it to me with a grin. "Not as fine as ours, but it will do."

I took it with a nod that made the crease in my scalp sing out. The fur was russet, and the feathers were more along dark crimsons and blacks and yellows. But it was topped with a Wraith shrunken head, too, and I grinned. I might have to hang it in the cockpit of a 'jumper next time we have a mission that requires one. Or I have to ferry Woolsey somewhere. The man will shit himself. "Thanks."

He grunted and nodded. "We will escort you to the A'ala Pangu." He led the way to the hut where our gear was and I saw that my pants didn't fit him as well as I thought. Plumber's crack. Yeesh.

"I can't wait to get back into my own clothes," I muttered to Teyla. Glad I kept the boxers out. When Teyla cleared her throat, I looked at her.

"Only the weapons are the temporary exchange."

As Rodney snickered I tried really hard not to groan. I think a tiny whimper did escape me. At least I could hide the bent pea shooter behind the headdress I was carrying, but the Gate Room was going to be subjected to a full moon. Crap.

Our escort of bloodied warriors back to the 'gate was impressive, and I was glad Rodney got a few shots of that. It didn't take long, and after Rodney dialed the 'gate I did hear him speak softly into his radio. Couldn't make out the words, but I _hoped_ he was calling for a med team and not a full film crew.

P'u P'u couldn't help it and had to grab me by the shoulders again. He didn't shake me too hard, and I was able to remain upright. "You are welcome back to Ni'aa Pangu Kei Anana Pita'anu any time, friends."

"We will be back," I grated out between my teeth. At least Rodney will be for sure – he never got the chance to check out the catacombs. P'u P'u let go and I let out a deep breath of relief.

Teyla touched foreheads with him again, then we turned and went through the 'gate.

And found a crowd waiting. Yeah, gee, imagine that. I am so surprised.

Woolsey was standing at the railing and I could see his mouth working like a trout on a dock. I twitched my chin up at him. "I took one for you, Woolsey," I called out and pointed at him. "Next one is all yours." The med team rolled in with a gurney at that moment and Dr. Keller just slid to a stop. Funny, she was doing a fish imitation, too, but all I cared about was that gurney. Specifically, the _blanket_ on the gurney. I wasn't hurt really all that bad – hell, I walked to the 'gate, I could walk to the infirmary – but not wearing any pants made a very big difference.

But the nice thing about head wounds is they made you look horrible, and when I walked up to Keller she had the blanket in her hands and was starting to shake it open. Then she saw the arrow sticking out of my back. We never did bandage it because it was bleeding a lot less than my head was. "Can you lay on your side, Colonel."

"Yeah, no problem." I was still holding the headdress in front of me as I sat, then swiveled my legs up and settled on my side. Only after the blanket was thrown over me did I pull it out. "Teyla, could you hold onto this for me? I don't want Rodney or Ronon stealing my shrunken head."

"Sure, John."

"Shrunken head?" Keller asked. Teyla held up the headdress, and I swore Keller jumped a foot backwards. "Oh, that is so gross."

"I think it's pretty cool myself," Rodney said. He was standing next to Teyla, and when he reached out to touch the gruesome little thing she pulled it away from him. He pouted, and Keller threw him the dirtiest look I have ever seen on her face.

Then we were heading down the hall to the infirmary, and somebody was holding a compress to my head. I felt every one of their jogging steps. "Are you in much pain, Colonel?" Keller asked.

"Not really. Got a headache now that all the adrenaline is gone, and the shoulder only hurts when I do this." I just hinted at raising my arm, because wow was it hurting now. I think it was the angle I was sitting at more than anything else. "So I'm not going to do be doing that."

She rolled her eyes at the old joke. "All right. First item of business – we get you cleaned up." We came to the infirmary and just flew through the doors. "Um, Colonel, if you don't mind my asking – where are your clothes?"

"P'u P'u has 'em." I had to answer that way just to see the expression on her face. It was so worth it. You could tell exactly what was going through her head second by second. _Did he just say poo-poo? He did say poo-poo. He must be concussed. Poo-poo?_ Before the gurney was even parked she was trying to get a good look in my eyes. Out came the little flashlight, and I swear she checked pupil response four times before she was satisfied. "What caused the crease?" She asked as she pulled the compress away and checked my scalp.

"Bullet. Genii weapon, but no Genii present. Just a bunch of headhunters." I was being vague, but damn it was amusing to watch her. "I'll explain everything later, because right now, things are starting to hurt more. And the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can wear pants again."

"This is going to be a good one," Keller muttered to herself. I saw two nurses come up gloved and ready to help. One was Lt. Harrison, hallelujah. Keller started giving orders, and when she pulled the blanket away everyone just froze in place.

"Oh, dear," Harrison said in that delightful Southern accent of hers.

Keller blinked. "Um, Colonel. Just what exactly are you wearing?"

I think my ears were about to set the pillow on fire. "What, you've never seen a penis sheath before?"

"Um, yeah, but just in National Geographic."

"And never bent like _that_," Harrison added.

For once I was glad all the poking and prodding came next, because the quiet giggles were more embarrassing than the beep of Rodney's camera.

-oOo-

Keller was keeping me overnight for observation. I was pretty sure she thought I was concussed. My scalp had forty-some stitches in it, my shoulder about eight, and I was going to be in a sling for a few weeks. Turned out once they scanned me, they found the stone arrowhead had lodged in my scapula and put a hairline fracture in it. They removed the point with just a local, but damn it ached now. I was still on an i.v. – I actually lost close to a unit of blood – and was getting by on just Lortab.

But the best thing of all – I was in scrubs. Lovely, comfy, ass covering, the little Colonel and the boys hiding scrubs.

I asked Keller and her staff to not damage the cording or feathers, and it took a little extra time to get what little I was wearing off, but damn it – the guy gave me his ceremonial garb. I didn't want to destroy it. I never, ever wanted to wear it again, but I still felt some obligation to keep it intact.

Except for that damn sheath. I think I'm going to burn it. Everybody took way too much interest in it in the infirmary. That and the marble bag. Well, maybe not the marble bag. I might be able to find some, um, future uses for that. But the sheath…. It's going to have a date with one of the empty planters, some of Zelenka's home brew, and the cool fire starter Teyla gave me years ago. Poof.

It was pretty late, the rest of the team was in bed by now, and I was just starting to nod off myself when I heard a familiar brogue. I cracked my eyes open.

"John! How are yae?" Carson asked quietly as he came up to my bed. He was carrying his laptop.

"Hey, Carson." My eyebrows shooting up made my scalp move and the stitches pull. "I'm good. You're back early." I raised the head of my bed.

"Aye, just got in. Thought I'd swing by before heading off ta bed." He sat his computer down on the table by my bed and flipped it open. "Hear yae had a spot of trouble today."

I didn't like how his dimples were showing. "Nothing we couldn't handle. Trade negotiation that got interrupted."

"Ah." He must have had his computer on sleep, because it booted up awful fast. "Sorry to stop by so late, but I couldn't wait to hear the explanation for this." He swiveled his computer around and I groaned.

He had a picture collage up on his e-mail. In the center was me outside the hut, full body shot, and looking like I was about ready to shove my P90 up the photographer's – i.e. Rodney's – ass. Surrounding that were shot after shot, angle after angle, of me. Across the bottom read: Kirkendorf, fear his mighty sheath. And in tiny print in the corner: Sponsored by Ramses, Extra Ribbed.

_I am going to kill him._

-_End_

_End Note: Er, um, ah … yeah. What's really funny about this story is that it's the _cleanest_ piece of writing I've ever done. The material was R rated, but I only dropped the F Bomb once. Me. Admiral Potty Mouth. Only used 'shit' like six times, too. I have no idea how I accomplished that. R material with a PG content. Jeez…._


End file.
